we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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