There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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