he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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