Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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