mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
