i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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