I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
