i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize