My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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