I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
