A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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