K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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