and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
