dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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