I can text with my tongue
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize