I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
