Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
