just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
