just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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