Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
