After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
we're so committed to being not committed
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize