the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
