Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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