just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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