I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
