If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
