Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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