i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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