Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
