she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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