WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize