woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
