and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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