glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
