she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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