im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
