Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
