she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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