I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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