My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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