Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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