just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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