I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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