Have you finally orgasmed yet?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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