I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
