I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
