How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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