The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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