he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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