I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
