I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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