Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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