so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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