I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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